Mountain Bound

I just passed a big old Suburban painted in RealTree camoflague with a rebel flag sticker in the back window shaped like tge sillouhette of a reclining female form “What sort of a Bubba caveman is driving this rig?” I wondered as I drove past. She was a blonde wearing an Earnhardt tube top. Nice.

Happy Katrinaversary

Two years ago today, New Orleans as we know it died.  I’ve been back twice since then, and it still saddens me to think about what was and what will never be again.

But the city is rising from the soggy ashes.  The spirit of the people was not completely crushed, but I do know that they keep one eye on the Weather Channel from July until October.  The city is not ready for another hurricane yet; not even a glancing blow.

They try to keep a smile on their face as they dance in the streets, but fear is the ultimate buzz-kill.  Those brave enough to move home are praying for the calendar pages to keep flipping and the storms to keep making a left at Jamaica.

That’s why stuff like this makes me smile.  Bang a drum, shake a tambourine, dance with abandon and tip back an Abita Amber for the Big Easy tonight.  I’ll be the guy with the JazzFest shirt on looking for a crawfish to suck.

Current Debate in the Smiley Household

If we were to get another dog, would we name it Brunello after our favorite Italian wine in the region we visited last month or Spider Pig, after, well…Spider Pig.

Well, actually, I’m the only one debating.  RUABelle is reserving her power of veto.  I imagine it would be exercised if I tried to choose either option.

Hell, we haven’t even really decided whether or not to get another dog yet, so the question is moot. Nellie still rules the roost.

If This is the “Real World” Where the Hell Have I Been Living?

Yeah, I’ll admit it. I watch the Real World. I haven’t missed a season since season 2. It’s on TiVo. RUABelle’s asleep. I keep the volume down. I’m not wasting anybody’s time but my own. (And apparently yours for reading this.)

But this season is confounding me. Not to get all BOM on you, but I’ll give you a quick rundown. They’re in Sydney, Australia. They’re all good looking, young and dumb. No surprises there.

But the dynamic between three of the cast members is just sick.

Dunbar (no shit, that’s his real name) is a abusive frat-hole who flirts mercilessly with two of the women in the house beneath the cover of having a girfriend at home back in the states.

KellyAnne is a brunette bimboid from Texas who spends half of every day draping some part of her nubile body across Dunbar. She likes to walk around in a t-shirt and panties all the time. I didn’t say I was complaining.

Parisa is an extremely earnest Irani/American who seems to have a level head on her shoulders, except for the fact that she has developed a serious crush on Dunbar and can’t understand why he prefers hanging out with the Texan who likes to get drunk with him and dry hump all day and night.

So, straight from the TiVo last night, rewound multiple times to assure verbatimness, here are the two quotes that make me realize I don’t understand today’s kids at all anymore.

KellyAnne-”I wanna cuddle with someone I feel safe with and knowing that Dunbar has a girlfriend makes me feel more safe.”

Parisa-”It hurts to think that because he respects me, he has to mistreat me.”

I don’t know where these sadly delusional women were when I was young and single, but it now looks like I wasted a lot of time trying to find intelligent, stable women when I could’ve just been looking for the low-hanging basketcases. It would’ve been like shooting fish in a barrel, I tell ya’.

Naah, in retrospect, I’m pretty pleased with how things turned out for me.

On the Wrong Side of the Firewall…or Would That be “Fahr Wawl?”

I have it on good authority that the ole Dry Spot has been put on the restricted access list for State of Tennessee employees due to “objectionable content.”  Fuggem.

I’ll bet they still love my shit in Mississippi.

Doing My Duty

…as opposed to most weeks when I write about my doodie, I’m actually being a good citizen serving jury duty. I can’t really write about the trial while it’s going on, but expect a hard-hitting expose on Tennessee’s legal process when it’s over. Or at least a whiny post about how deathly boring it was.

Is This an Irrational Fear?

I’m really worried that those Utah mine “rescuers” are gonna dig a tunnel through my bedroom wall.

Shit, they’ve dug one everywhere else…

Oh, Puh-leeze!

[From The Tennessean]

I always thought that Ann Geddes photos were kinda creepy, but this is ridiculous.

Pass the insulin.

I Should Have Ridden the Bus Today

You ever have one of those days where you just feel out of sorts on the road?  Between my commute to and from work and a quick trip to East Nashville for lunch, I was almost involved in like ten collisions.

And I’m pretty sure half of them would’ve been my fault.  It’s like I forgot how to merge and how to stay with the flow of traffic.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

But just to be safe, if you see a maroon Tahoe busting ass to the airport at around 7:00 am, I recommend you get the hell out of my way.

What Color is the Sky in Your World?

The original gatekeepers of high level internet domains, Network Solutions, sent me a notice that the domain name for the company where I work is expiring in eight months.  Thanks for the heads-up.  I’ll get right on that.

More amusing is the fact that they offered me a sliding pricing scale based on how long I want to renew for.  The best pricing extended out to one hundred years.

That’s assuming my company will still be around, Network Solutions will still be around, the internet as we know and use it will still be around and my Visa will still be around.

Pretty freakin’ optimistic, I say.  I won’t even buy green bananas.

Sign o’ the Times

The advertising convention I attended last week has a core group of folks who have attended for years.

A decade ago, the late night conversation in the hospitality suite would have revolved about who had scored the really good weed and where.

This week we talked about what dosage of Ambien we were each taking.

I’m cool with that. I REALLY like to sleep.

Well at Least It’s 100 Degrees and WINDY Today

So now instead of feeling like I’m living in my dryer like last week, it feels like I’m in a Jet-Stream Oven.

Y’know it cooks three times faster than a traditional convection oven.

Crap.

There’s a Story Behind This Photo

See if you can guess…

Yeah, I know I’m asking for it.

I Don’t Miss Mississippi, But I Do Miss Miss Mississippi

I’ve just returned from a convention in Jackson, where, believe it or not it’s even hotter and swampier than Nashville. Luckily, the melting asphalt seems to have smoothed out the teeth chattering bumpy roads that usually characterize the Cotton Highway.

But Lawdy, the women! Each more beautiful and willowy than the last, they represent a precious natural resource that our country should protect at all costs. In the event of the next war of northern aggression, I predict that we will win the Battle of the Grove in Oxford. I’ll be the first in line for induction.

I Sure Didn’t Intend to go on a 20-Mile Ride This Morning…

…But I got lost as hell in East Nashville.  Haven’t you people ever heard of streets that meet in right angles or snap to a grid?  Also putting dead ends at the bottom of really big hills is just cruel.

And y’all got some mean-ass, bike-chasing dogs over there.  One particular cur kept up with me for almost a mile.  Though that’s less of a testament to the dog’s stamina than you might think…

A Freudian Penis, err…Slip

So today I had my follow-up visit to the doctor who I saw when my blood pressure was through the roof. Thanks to eating better, running and biking my BP is back to normal and my pulse rate is 48. Strong like bull!

But I still need to keep the promise I made to myself when I turned 40 and continue my yearly date with Dr. Jellyfinger. The doc took me to his scheduling nurse and we opened our respective calendars to six months from now. I always like to get the first appointment of the day so that it won’t be more than an hour delayed.

“I can get you an 8:00 on February 14,” the nurse said while beginning to scribble instructions on the appointment card.

I replied, “Because nothing says ‘I love you” on Valentine’s Day like a digital prostate exam.”

I must have flustered her at the exact moment that she was writing that I was supposed to be “fasting” on the day of the appointment.

That’s right, according to my doctor, I have a appointment for a “fisting” on February 14.

Not looking forward to that one…

As a BizPig Frequent Flyer, I Can Relate…

Best line of the night, from Alton Brown on “Feasting on Asphalt.”

 ”A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.”

Remember, movie title will not appear on your hotel bill.  But what else costs $24.99 for twelve hour full access?

This is My Education Plan, and I’m Asking for Your Vote

I was a History major in college.  If you’re planning to get a degree in History, I believe you should be allowed to graduate with a C average.

Civil engineering?  Not so much.