The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 1)

I’m not just being all warm and fuzzy around the holidays, but one of the real blessings of this year has been all the new interesting people I have met through blogging. I’m fairly positive that I have met more people that I consider to be my friends than in any year since I was a freshman in college. The intellectual stimulation I have gotten from reading and writing has really brightened what could have otherwise have been an extremely stressful year.

The downside of making all these new friends is that I’m too cheap to buy everybody Christmas presents and, as regular readers know, I’m kinda against the overcommercialization of the holidays. So what is the DrySpot to do to recognize and honor the friends I now treasure, while at the same time not contributing to the crass excess of the yule season? (And despite common belief, I’m not The Holiday Grinch . If you came to the blogger holiday party, you’d know she’s a lot better looking and more interesting than I am.)

Like the little drummer boy, I have no gifts to bring (pa rumm pumm pumm pumm). So I figured, what the hell? Why not give the gift of poetry? Despite the fact that I have no history or aptitude for the medium, how hard could it be? Just make some words rhyme and leave out some punctuation and a few carriage returns and voila, poetry!

So to kick off this holiday train wreck in honor of my favorite bloggers, I offer “The Short and Fat Haiku Cycle.

He is Short and Fat.
Yes, he is. No, he isn’t.
He has deceived us.

I like to kid kim.
I joke that he is tiny.
He could beat me up.

He dreams of glory.
On the ice. With the frisbee.
Gretzky isn’t scared.

He is a great boss.
If you believe in silence.
If not, hit the road.

He keeps the world safe
From corporate pigz like me.
Buckle your seat belt.

Military man.
Proud father to Baby Fat.
Gunfire on prom night.

Is he god or man?
It’s impossible to tell
The truth from fiction.

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12 Responses to The 12 Days of Blogger Christmas (Day 1)

  1. Kerry Woo says:

    I really thought that you were the Holiday Grinch! Turns out she’s my neighbor. How cool is that.

    Instead of buying presents, you (or your warehouse staff) could make origami boxes… just saying, since you have all that paper laying around… whatever you have leftover, you could sell on eBay.

  2. Kathy T. says:

    I don’t know who’s funnier, you or Kerry Woo. Jeebus.

  3. ceeelcee says:

    This is not a competition. There are no winners in a smart-aleck war.

    Plus I could never enter into a battle of wits with Kerry Woo because I’m only half-armed.

  4. Kerry Woo says:

    … and round-eyed.

    Apparently realtors are easily amused with commissions and sugarplums dancing in their head!

  5. Kathy T. says:

    My dream job is actually professional audience member. I had a job working for politicians and I’d sit in the audience to begin the applause or laugh at the jokes. Of course, I usually wrote the jokes, too, but that’s another story. Woot.

  6. sista smiff says:

    And just where in the hayell was he the other night?

  7. I had a free trip to Tahoe. Sorry, you guys are all swell but free skiing in real mountains…

  8. BTW: this has given me pause that people remember the drivel I type. Worse, because I take some pride in that very little of what I write is fiction.

    Stand by Mr. LC. My response will be forthcoming.

  9. sista smiff says:

    I’m shocked you chose skiing over hanging out with me and the other usual crew of retards.

  10. Lynnster says:

    I laughed so hard at this yesterday morning I nearly choked, and just did the same again. I’m scared to see the other 11 days, I think.

    And yeah, I thought you were the Holiday Grinch too!

  11. Kat Coble says:

    I swore up and down you were the Holiday Grinch. I’m glad Ididn’t put money on it. ;-p

    And I love “gun fire on prom night.”

  12. fishwreck says:

    Oh, my. That’s quite a “gift” you’ve got there.

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