How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

 In amongst the spam emails written entirely in Cyrillic (what the hell do they think I’m gonna do with that?) and the subject lines insulting my manhood, (“How can she stand taking your limp 3 inches of man-meat?”) I received the most delightful email from a poor Russian girl who apparently needs my help.

It follows:

How are you? My name is Maria . I am 26 years old. I live in Russia, city Zelenodolsk . I am cheerful woman, and like to do many things as sport, camping, go to the cinema, theatre etc. In a word I like to do all what like all people. I work in marketing structure on sale of clock.
My dream this travel abroad. I know the english language well enough..
I began to study english language approximately one year ago.
I wish tell to you history which have pushed me write to you. 5 months ago I have got acquainted with the man from other country by name Shakir. During this time we had good relations. We have understood that our relations become serious and we have decided to meet in his country.
I wrote the application for reception the visa.
I waited reception of the visa approximately half of year. All time I kept in touch with Shakir through the internet and often called to each other. I and Shakir waited reception of the visa to our meeting. I have received the invitation from the ambassador for reception of the visa.
My director has given me long-term holiday from work and I have gone to Moscow to receive the visa. I informed good news to Shakir, but he has answered, that does not want our meeting.
He played with me. He has informed that has the wife with two children and at all has no plans to meet me. I was not ready to such turn of events. I could not think what even after 5 months of acquaintance he can so unscrupulously act with me. Now I am in Moscow trip to Moscow and reception of visa. I do not want that all was gone for nothing and will be glad if my visa will be useful to our meeting.
I could arrive already through 5-6 days, but a problem in that that now I have no man which would like my arrival. Probable it will silly sound but if you will be interested in a meeting with the good woman I shall like to meet you sometime soon. As Shakir was dishonest with me I have decided to find the man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia. I do not know your ideas about my letter, but it would be fine if we could meet and have some weeks or months together. On my trip I want to receive rest from my work and a life in Russia. Also the basic purpose for the future it is search good men for serious attitudes which go to a marriage. I have no children, but I want to have children in the future.
I am the mature woman and ready to creation of family with good man. I do not know what you really search in the future but if we could meet I shall be happy to discuss with you more about our meeting. What are you going to do this time? It would be fine if we could meet, do friendship or more than simply friendship. I shall be happy if you also have a free time and we could meet soon. I do not know your interests, but anyhow write to me back and I shall tell to you more about myself.
Write to me all that you want. Maybe we have similar plans and it will be interesting to us together.
You can write all that you want. Ask any questions which interest you.
Write to me back and I shall tell more about myself and send more my photos.
Please, write to me back on my regular e-mail: xxxxx@xx.xx Have a good day, Maria.”

You’ll notice I’ve x’ed out the email address she sent me.  She’s all mine, boys.


8 Responses to How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

  1. sista says:

    I got a message on my Blog Log thingy the other day where this feller told me he loved me. Your little Russian girl didn’t say she loved you, now did she?

  2. fishwreck says:

    You have got to help this girl immediately. Quick, send her some paper!

  3. Lynnster says:

    I’m getting my spam in Chinese this week. They must have me confused with Mr. Woo. I can understand, since we look so much alike and he’s only five thousand feet taller than me.

  4. jagadiah says:

    I like that she dropped that ‘unscrupulously’ in there.

  5. newscoma says:

    My name is newscoma.
    I’m a cheerful girl.


  6. sara sue says:

    BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Don’t you love it when spammers write your posts for you?? What a world!

  7. WonderDawg says:

    Hmmm… do her hips lie?

    Maria makes a man wants to speak Russian or broken English.

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