What I Have Learned This Weekend From my Front-Row Seat at the Miracle of Birth

You can drive 95 mph on I-24 westbound on a Friday night and you won’t necessarily get pulled over. You won’t even be the fastest car on the road.

Epidurals are a very good thing and should, in my opinion, be started at the beginning of the third trimester.

The process of determining how dialated a mom-to-be is reminds me a lot what I did at the end of dead end streets at night during high school. Not alone.

They mean centimeters, not inches. Duh.

Don’t even think about trying to figure out what your delivery-room doctor gets paid as an hourly basis. Figure it’s 1% for the labor, 80% for the education and the balance for malpractice insurance.

Little girls are a little harder to clean up during diaper changing time. But on the upside, they’re much less likely to surprise you with a firehose maneuver as soon as you remove the soiled Huggie.

If you get upgraded to a bigger room after recovery, you apparently get a younger, hotter nurse. Well done, DogDoc.

Baby toys look a lot like dog toys, but they are less likely to squeak when you squeeze them.

RUABelle really likes to shop for baby clothes. Especially pink ones. With pictures of Pooh bear on them.

If all goes well, they let you (make you) take the baby home with you after a few days. There is no longer a team of nurses to take care of you and the baby, and the training is minimal. Much less than the Driver’s Ed I had to take to get a license.

Luckily, people have been doing this forever in the bush, the desert and the tundra. I have no doubt that good people who are intelligent and loving will  be unbelievable parents!

But it may take a village. Private CeeElCee reporting for duty, ma’am.

Did I mention how beautiful she is?


9 Responses to What I Have Learned This Weekend From my Front-Row Seat at the Miracle of Birth

  1. sista says:

    Not to sound like the Know It All Experienced Mother, but, little girls can most definitely surprise you with a shower. Difference is it doesn’t squirt nicely up in the air, but, rather flows underneath and you don’t always realize it’s happened until it’s all over everything. Lesson here is be prepared.

  2. newscoma says:

    Are you going to smack me on the head the next time I see you if I say “AAAaaahhhhhhh.”

  3. sara sue says:

    I love “baby fever”! I especially love it when men get a good dose of it! Will we ever see pictures of this perfect little girl??

  4. ceeelcee says:

    Out of respect for the non-blogging family’s privacy, I’ve kept them semi-anonymous. Knucklehead, not so much…

    But if we can get them blogging or erect a proper shrine with their permission, I already have a memory card full.

  5. Lynnster says:

    You ARE getting paternally inclined………………woot!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. All I did was use first names.

    “erect a proper shrine” Isn’t that what got them in this predicament to begin with?

    You could post pictures, but do that anonymizing pixelation thing. Or the black bar across the eyes.

  7. newscoma says:

    I think you are smitten with littleness,

    They do poop, you know.
    Bear and Corn (nieces for those who don’t know) now make me watch The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, because they are so “keeewt.”
    Of course, I have trained them to be raging liberals.
    Just saying.

  8. Lynnster says:

    :: snort ::

    It’s not like he doesn’t have LOTS of experience with poop, ‘Coma… bwahahaha….

  9. My advice is stick with Nelly. The beauty of the canine “child” is you don’t have to carry it with you when you go shopping or even on vacation. You put some food and water in a bowl on the floor and voila you’re good to go. And 12 years from now they won’t make you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch or ask for cell phone minutes.

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