Halftime Report

Well, RUABelle and I are 26 days into our 46 day Lenten vegetarian challenge.  Yeah, I thought it was 40 days too.  Apparently you’re not supposed to count the Sundays.  Go figure.  We haven’t come off of Lent on Sundays, even though a certain somebody has been begging for a cheeseburger.  I’m not even Catholic, so I consider this a test of self-control and I don’t want to fall off the wagon.

It hasn’t been as painful as I worried, but I am pretty tired of soup and caesar salads.  I thought it might be a good time to give you all “The Carnivore’s Guide to Meatless Products” in case any of y’all want to attempt this in the future.

First the misses:

Nothing we’ve eaten has been horrendous, but some have been worse than others.  Our main complaints have been an overly strong soy taste in some products and the consistency and mouth feel of some of the meat substitutes.

One of the first things we tried was a chipotle tempeh salad from Wild Oats deli section.  It got a resounding “eh” from both of us.   Like many things we’ve tried, it was better on a tortilla chip to give it some texture.

We’ve cooked with quite a few of the “Smart” line of products from LiteLines.  Some were definitely better than others.  Smart Pepperoni-not so much.  We added it to a fresh tomato pasta sauce to try to conceal the soy taste, but it was like eating matchbooks.  It was to real pepperoni what Arbys is to real roast beef.

Morningstar breakfast links were a item of disagreement.  I was fine with them, but then again I was eating them with pancakes so the syrup masked some of the flavor.  RUABelle thought they were too mushy.

Smart BBQ shredded vegetable protein (I could have definitely done without the subtitle) was another we disagreed on.  While it’s no Mothership, I thought it tasted just about like  any other grocery store bbq I’ve ever scooped out of a tub.  It helped that I toasted the hamburger buns so that the soggy wheat germ or whatever the heck it was didn’t soak through the bun as quickly.  The sauce was not overpowering, but the whole schmeer was kinda stringy and disconcertingly unidentifiable.  The package was supposed to have three servings in the pouch, but it barely made two small sandwiches.  I’ll wait until after Easter and get me some real bbq.  (that Hutch owes me.)

The last miss was the Smart Taco product.  I had high hopes for this since I figured I like bean burritos anyway, so how bad could it be?  The answer is pretty darn bad.  Maybe the problem was that we made soft tacos in whole wheat tortillas, but on the whole it was like something from a “Survivor” eating competition.  We decided it might be passable as an element of nachos with some nice crispy lettuce on top to overcome the mealiness.

So now the good news.  There are two things that we look for in a successful vegetarian product.  Of course we care about how it tastes.  Is it good on its own or is it good at mimicking whatever it is supposed to be a substitute for?  Secondly, we have what we call “The DogDoc Test.”  Would it fool our good friend who is a 99.9% carnivore?  Now that he’s reading this, he’ll probably never come over for dinner again.  The winners below passed both of these conditions.
First and foremost was something that you should order the next time you go out to eat at PF Chang’s.  Get the vegetarian lettuce wraps!  I think they may even be a buck or two cheaper than the chicken wraps, but I defy you to tell the difference once you’ve put on that rockin’ chile sauce they make tableside.  The chicken is normally shredded anyway, so the tofu is a perfectly acceptable sub.

Several folks have recommended Morningstar Tofu Corn Dogs to us.  They were all correct.  Now, I wouldn’t microwave them, but if you take the time to bake them in the oven (or God forbid deep fry them), they are every bit as good as your typical Sonic Drive-in carnival midway fare.

Boca Breakfast Patties don’t taste as good as some of the sagey farm-fresh sausage that we can get in the small groceries around Sewanee, but it’s at least as good as what Jimmy Dean foists upon us as mass-produced pork tubes.  We’ve had trouble finding this particular brand anywhere we shop, but when we can get it, we enjoy it.

Smart Bacon  tasted pretty much like Baco’s.  Because that’s pretty much what Baco’s are.  With bacon possibly being God’s perfect food, Smart’s a got a tough row to hoe.  But crumbled on top of a salad or as part of a nice BLT with some really good L and T, it gets the job done.

A surprise to me was the Smart Soy Cheese Substitute.  I was unaware we were even giving up dairy during Lent, but it somehow made the way into our grocery cart.  It’s at least as tasty as most other American cheese slices that you’d put on top of a sandwich, so if you’re willing to aim low you can at least hit a Shetland Pony every now and then.

Our staple food has been the Smart Ground product.  I have to ask RUABelle to leave the room when I start cooking with it, because it comes in a tube and looks a lot like that stuff from the “Products from Uranus” commercial which was either in “Kentucky Fried Movie” or “The Groove Tube.”  It has the texture and aroma of refried beans when you first start working with it, but once you get it broken apart and cooking in a skillet with a little olive oil, it could actually pass as ground beef.  It’s downright tolerable, especially when you use it in pasta sauces or mix it with some bread crumbs to make a “meatloaf” or some “meatballs” which you can torque up a little bit with spices.

So in conclusion, we’re making it work.  It’s not been fun, but we know that it’s been good for us. I’ve lost a lot of weight and RUABelle is noticing that she feels a lot more toned in certain parts of her body which has apparently been storing up lard for the past few years.  Who knew that’s where you were supposed to store it?  And dang, we’re regular now.  I was about a month behind on back issues of “Entertainment Weekly” before Lent began, but now I’m completely caught up and halfway through Anna Karenina.  Don’t try to call my cell phone at 7:00 am, 9:30 am or 10:00 pm.  I’ll be indisposed.


13 Responses to Halftime Report

  1. sista says:

    Most of the Nutri System stuff is full of soy. That crap stops you up. (Pardon the pun)

  2. Lesley says:

    I’m not a big fan of fake meats. If you’re feeling a bit more than regular, Quorn will really stop you up. And it’s actually a good fake meat.

    Have you thought about making some vegetable lasagna or some bean/cheese/corn enchiladas or other things that don’t require meat? I’d be happy to share some recipes with you. 🙂

  3. Ivy says:

    This is all good to know, thanks for posting about it!

  4. newscoma says:

    You are both committed people.
    Is it wrong to say I had meat tonight.
    I’ll buy you a steak if you decide to return to the dark side.
    Incidentaly, Homer says eat fondue. As Ester now knows about your blog, and having been a vegan for about 20 years, she says fondue tastes pretty good.
    You see I taunt, and then I give.
    That’s how I swing.

  5. Kate O' says:

    Fake meat is much more convincing when you haven’t eaten the real stuff in a while. Same with dairy subs. Soy milk in my cereal was one of the hardest things for me to get used to, but now I drink it straight and barely notice the soy taste.

  6. Jon says:

    I think some of the best Morningstar products are the sandwich patties that aren’t really even trying to be ‘meat’, they’re just doing their own thing — the Thai Burger, the Tomato & Basil Burger, and the Spicy Black Bean Burger are all very good.

  7. Katherine Coble says:

    I’d do better on a veggie diet that wasn’t too fake-meat heavy.

  8. Lynnster says:

    Thanks for the tip on the corn dogs, I was thinking about trying those.

    Did you guys get around to trying Morningstar’s new Veggie Bites (spinach/artichoke, broccoli/cheese) or Breakfast Bites? I thought I would check them out because I generally like stuff like that anyway and had seen an ad on the ‘Net somewhere. I didn’t like them at all – well, I probably liked the Breakfast Bites better than the others so that was surprising. But I really didn’t like any of them, and I cooked them in the oven, not the microwave, so they were plenty crisp and not flimsy or anything, but I didn’t like the texture nor the taste. They just didn’t taste as good as I’d thought they would (especially the veggie ones) and kind of had a yuck aftertaste.

    Some things I have liked out of the organic section at Kroger were the bruschetta and the little veggie pastry mini-pizza things -they might both be made by Amy’s, or at least one is. Amy’s spinach & feta pocket is pretty good too, if you’re cool with spinach.

  9. i have gone a week without meat. Except for one cheeseburger. It never occurred to me to get some kind of meat substitute.

    I guess because I don’t have some 46 day goal. Just trying to clean up/slim down a little. I don’t need meat substitutes.

    Hence the cheeseburger.

  10. saraclark says:

    “the consistency and mouth feel of some of the meat substitutes”

    There are so many things I could say.

    For good hygiene though, go ahead and run it through the dishwasher from time to time. I wish I could be more mature. I waited all day before I said anything.

  11. ceeelcee says:

    Hey if it takes dildo jokes to shake you out of the trees and back into my comments, I’m more than happy to be the target Ms. Sara. Welcome back! Now I knwo what it takes to “get you off of your hands…”

    To answer everybody else, yeah we need to concentrate more on meals that are supposed to be made of vegetables and less on things that are pretending to be meat. But we’re trying a little of everything, ‘cuz 46 days is a long time. Kate-O, Lesley and Brittney, you have my respect!

    We thought we’d found a real winner with the Soyrizo which RUABelle made some badass vegetarian Mexican lasagna out of. Then she broke out in hives. Maybe it as the paprika. Oops. We’ve got leftovers if anybody’s hungry.

  12. fishwreck says:

    Don’t forget good ol’ red beans and rice. A nice warm up for your trip, perhaps. I’ve found that beans are a great meat substitute, especially with Mexican food. Calling them a meat substitute is really a misnomer, though, as enchiladas, burritos and quesadillas don’t really need meat in the first place.

  13. […] think I might try those tofu corn dogs Smiley wrote about for lunch/dinner […]

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