Well, This Trip is Starting Swimmingly

Since landing in Jacksonville:

1. Hertz didn’t have the car I reserved with the navigation system, which was crucial because I had no idea where the hell I was going.
2. The only car available with said navigation system was a sub-compact.
3. After shoehorning myself into the Hyundai Carbuncle or whatever the hell it is, the Hertz (N)everlost directed me to the middle of a swamp where all roads on the map disappeared.
4. The resulting u-turn triggered the attention of a county mountie who thankfully let me go without a ticket because I was obviously lost and clueless.
5. When I arrived at the hotel, cheapskate me parked in a surface lot, not realizing there were no sidewalks and I was a mile from the registration desk.
6. I was almost run over by the shuttlebus because I was dragging my luggage down a dark driveway.
7. Because I was late, the hotel gave away my room. After 20 minutes of polite begging, they managed to find me another one.
8. When I got to my room and started to unpack, I immediately found a slip of paper from the TSA informing me that my luggage had been searched.
9. Apparently in the interest of national security, they felt the need to remove the plastic travel bottle of rum from the ziplock bag I pack it in.
10. And they must have left the cap off.
11. So all of my clothes are soaked and smell like a drunken pirate’s chest.
12. Spiced rum, like all alcohol, is an excellent solvent.
13. Solvents cause dyes to lose their bonding qualities and allow the pigments to break down and run.
14. I packed a dark blue golf shirt on the very top of my suitcase.
15. I have a meeting that starts at 7:00 tomorrow morning.
16. I have no clothes and I have no rum.
17. Crap.

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18 Responses to Well, This Trip is Starting Swimmingly

  1. Kathy T. says:

    I think you should treat yourself and go back to your car, buy a new outfit, stop at a liquor store, go back to room, and quietly and desperately get drunk. But don’t forget to set your alarm and leave a wakeup call!

  2. Busy Mom says:

    OK, at least you can be naked. Not drunk, and, naked, but, 50% ain’t bad.

  3. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

    I think this qualifies as awesomely bad.

  4. fishwreck says:

    You always manage to have the most exciting adventures when you travel.

  5. fishwreck says:

    TIP: Next time pack your clothes in 2-gallon ziplock bags. This serves multiple purposes, such as: 1) keeping TSA paws off your undies, 2) conserving space, if you compact the contents by pressing the air out as you seal the bags, 3) making packing a lot more modular, and, 4) of course, containing the spills.

    TIP 2: Roll your shirts after folding them. This serves the double purpose of keeping the wrinkles away and making them easier to fit in the bags.

  6. Lynnster says:

    Oh, man. Makes for a great blog story, yes, but oh man. I’m sorry.

    Once you get home and settled again, I think filing a complaint with the TSA is in order on this one. I can understand their need for baggage search but shit like this is ridiculous.

  7. sara sue says:

    As much as this sucks … I (selfishly) can’t wait for tomorrow’s post!

  8. newscoma says:

    I’m not even laughing this sounds so absolutely horrible.

  9. jagadiah says:

    Oh my God. That is horrid.

  10. saraclark says:

    Spacebags man, spacebags.

  11. WonderDawg says:

    Dude, I am so sorry for you – but if I had the bucks, I would bankroll the rights to tell your story as the sequel to “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”.

    PS: Add a TomTom GPS Navigator to your Amazon wishlist for your Treo – I never leave home without it.

  12. Jennifer says:

    That totally sounds like something that would happen to me.

  13. badbadivy says:

    Man, I am so sorry I am laughing at this. I know it sucks, but damn the way you wrote it is funny.

  14. If you get desperate enough you can squeeze and wring all the rum out of your shirt into a plastic cup in your room and think of it as exotic tropical blue drink. Slurp. Or suck on your shirt like Jerry Tarkanian used to suck on his towel while watching the Running Rebs.

  15. john h says:

    There’s gotta be a book…’Travels with Smiley’..it almost is writing itself!

  16. Sista Smiff says:

    Woo stole my PT and A reference. Alls you need now is to be fondled by a fat guy.

  17. ceeelcee says:

    Those aren’t pillows!

  18. Would you be interested in driving a U Haul full of furniture cross country to Seattle? Think of the fun if HutchMo, you and I did so… Let’s see – in a U Haul, that would take 3 days – give or take 18 days, plus stopping for photos and gas and every BBQ joint along the way. Like John implied, you could be self published in no time. Of course, we’ll fly back via SouthWest unless you wanted to take the Amtrak.

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