Since landing in Jacksonville:
1. Hertz didn’t have the car I reserved with the navigation system, which was crucial because I had no idea where the hell I was going.
2. The only car available with said navigation system was a sub-compact.
3. After shoehorning myself into the Hyundai Carbuncle or whatever the hell it is, the Hertz (N)everlost directed me to the middle of a swamp where all roads on the map disappeared.
4. The resulting u-turn triggered the attention of a county mountie who thankfully let me go without a ticket because I was obviously lost and clueless.
5. When I arrived at the hotel, cheapskate me parked in a surface lot, not realizing there were no sidewalks and I was a mile from the registration desk.
6. I was almost run over by the shuttlebus because I was dragging my luggage down a dark driveway.
7. Because I was late, the hotel gave away my room. After 20 minutes of polite begging, they managed to find me another one.
8. When I got to my room and started to unpack, I immediately found a slip of paper from the TSA informing me that my luggage had been searched.
9. Apparently in the interest of national security, they felt the need to remove the plastic travel bottle of rum from the ziplock bag I pack it in.
10. And they must have left the cap off.
11. So all of my clothes are soaked and smell like a drunken pirate’s chest.
12. Spiced rum, like all alcohol, is an excellent solvent.
13. Solvents cause dyes to lose their bonding qualities and allow the pigments to break down and run.
14. I packed a dark blue golf shirt on the very top of my suitcase.
15. I have a meeting that starts at 7:00 tomorrow morning.
16. I have no clothes and I have no rum.