Lesson Learned on 12th Avenue South

August 8, 2010

So since when did this stenciled on the street

become the universal symbol for “Break Your Schlitz Malt Liquor 40 oz. Bottles Here?”

Hey buddy, I got a sign for you, right here:

Grrr.

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Yet Another Reason Why I Don’t Really Fit in Where I Work

July 30, 2008

View of my parking lot:

Big-ass gas-guzzling Chevy Z71 pick `em up truck with a trailer hitch

Big-ass gas-guzzling Chevy Z71 pick `em up truck with a trailer hitch

Big-ass gas-guzzling Chevy Z71 pick `em up truck with a trailer hitch

Camry Hybrid with a bicycle on the back

All together now, “One of these things is not like the other.”


A Memo for the Recent Vistors to Our Fair City for the Country Music Festival

June 4, 2008

Dear inbred, beer-swilling hillbilly occupants of the caravan of three rebel-flag-flying black SUVs and pick `em up trucks who damn near ran me off the road on my bike ride home in your haste to get downtown on Hermitage Avenue because you were apparently running a few minutes late to see Kenny Chesney tongue-kiss George Strait on his booty-hole,

Screw you and your contribution to the local economy!  I’m pretty sure we don’t take Confederate money anyway.

Douchenozzles.


It’s Not Easy Being Green

April 19, 2008

Those of you who know me well are aware that there is a bit of a “smug alert” going on around me as I attempt to buy my way into heaven by trying to be more socially responsible.

I joined a CSA and buy organics whenever possible. I traded my gas-guzzling Tahoe in on a hybrid. I’ve swapped most of my incandescent bulbs for compact fluorescents. Our recycling bins are now twice as full as our trash cans, and not just with beer cans and wine bottles. I’ve been riding the bus to work a few times per week for about a year and a half, and now I’ve even started riding my bicycle at a high rate of speed through the `hood dodging hookers and junkies on my commute to the office.

Now you can join in, dear readers.

May 16th is officially “Ride Your Bike to Work Day.” Unfortunately for most folks, May 19th is officially “Finally Arrive at Work Day.” Wear a helmet.


I Don’t Know Why I Was Surprised

November 10, 2007

I got on my bike for the first time in nine days and was worried that I had forgotten how to ride.  But you know what?  It was just like riding a bike.

But if you get the song “Hot dogs.  Armour hot dogs.” stuck in your head during a 20 mile ride, it is not a good thing.


I Sure Didn’t Intend to go on a 20-Mile Ride This Morning…

August 7, 2007

…But I got lost as hell in East Nashville.  Haven’t you people ever heard of streets that meet in right angles or snap to a grid?  Also putting dead ends at the bottom of really big hills is just cruel.

And y’all got some mean-ass, bike-chasing dogs over there.  One particular cur kept up with me for almost a mile.  Though that’s less of a testament to the dog’s stamina than you might think…


A Freudian Penis, err…Slip

August 6, 2007

So today I had my follow-up visit to the doctor who I saw when my blood pressure was through the roof. Thanks to eating better, running and biking my BP is back to normal and my pulse rate is 48. Strong like bull!

But I still need to keep the promise I made to myself when I turned 40 and continue my yearly date with Dr. Jellyfinger. The doc took me to his scheduling nurse and we opened our respective calendars to six months from now. I always like to get the first appointment of the day so that it won’t be more than an hour delayed.

“I can get you an 8:00 on February 14,” the nurse said while beginning to scribble instructions on the appointment card.

I replied, “Because nothing says ‘I love you” on Valentine’s Day like a digital prostate exam.”

I must have flustered her at the exact moment that she was writing that I was supposed to be “fasting” on the day of the appointment.

That’s right, according to my doctor, I have a appointment for a “fisting” on February 14.

Not looking forward to that one…